http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinkstockphotos/
There was a pattern I watched develop when my daughter was young. She would watch the Disney child celebs and various recording artists who catered to the Radio Disney crowd and I was fine with it. But, in a couple years’ time I found myself having to put the kibosh on what she was listening to or watching from that celeb. We live in a voyeuristic society which seems to feed on the youth of it’s film and tv “icons.” It also, seemingly, feeds on the sexualization of those youths as they become women. Heck, the celebs themselves put their sexual exploration on display as they attempt to move from “child actor” to “serious adult actor.” It’s quite deliberate actually if you look at men’s magazines like Maxim and listen to the gossip sheet chatter about “leaked” nude cellphone pics and sex tapes. It’s “good PR” and helps them to be taken seriously by directors for roles which may get a PG13 rating or better. While that’s all well and good for those celebs, it wreaks havoc on those of us who are trying to raise emotionally healthy girls.
One shining example of dealing with child stars turned train wrecks is of course Britney Spears. I use this example because this was the first one my daughter was exposed to and we discussed. When my daughter first began listening to her music, I was less than thrilled by her being “not that innocent.” As BritBrit continued to release albums, I had to say no to her music for my tween. “I’m a slave for you” just didn’t work for me and the videos became increasingly sexual. There have been numerous “celebs” rise to fame that we’ve had to dissect together. There were the Vanessa Hudgens nude cellphone pics, there was A Night In Paris and the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tapes. Rihanna had nude cellphone pics, as well as some gal who was part of one of P. Diddy’s girl groups. Kids talk, so even if you keep these things off your computer and off your tv, your kids will find out about them. Other children with cellphones will try to show your children these pics and vids and that’s why it is incumbent upon us as parents to be deliberate about unpacking what this celeb sexualization is really about and explaining that to girls and boys who may be influenced by it.
How do we do this and what does that look like? What I’ve done at various stages is speak to my daughter about what she’s seeing take place, speaking with her very candidly about what she’s hearing. I’ve spoken to her about these celebs becoming women and wanting to be sexy and how the world watches that and puts it on public display. I’ve made it a point to talk to her about how that’s a media phenomenon and not something that works in “real life.” Girls who share their sexuality like that are labeled “easy” or sluts in school. Very few girls want to be like the girl that the whole football team has run through unless it’s glamorized on tv somehow. When Kim Kardashian came on the scene I explained to my daughter that she wasn’t really a celeb in my eyes. I would ask my daughter what talent Kim had? When she couldn’t answer, I would tell her that the reason that Ms. Kardashian was in the limelight was that she made a porno. Essentially, she’s a porn star who took her 15 minutes of fame and made a career and while that may work for her (depending on how you define “work”), that doesn’t work for girls in general. “Having a teenage boy leak a video you made with him won’t make you popular except with the boys who want a quick piece of tail,” I would tell my daughter. And I’d follow that up by asking here why she wanted a boy to like her. Does she just want to be an object, a plaything or does she want to be liked because she’s funny, or because she has interesting things to say? Part of this is explaining to her how many men look at women in terms that would make me, a very protective father uncomfortable. But I know that if I’m not real with her, I’m ultimately crippling her and forcing her to get her reality somewhere else. And that somewhere else may not have the best intentions. I’ve also been very honest and have told my daughter that these celebs are very smart from a business perspective – or have some very savvy people around them – and that is a talent in and of itself, but have made it a point to ask her if that’s how she wants to become known. Do you want fame so bad that you’re willing to literally do whatever it takes to get it, or do you have boundaries?
Look, this isn’t about judging these persons hearts, but judging and analyzing what they’re doing is absolutely the point! We can all walk around talking about live and let live and “whatever works for you is just dandy as long as it hurts no one,” but the reality is that it does hurt someone. It can hurt our daughters if we don’t take the time to unpack the culture for them when they’re young. I don’t know about you, but my highest aspirations for my daughter aren’t a sex video with a C list celeb so that she can become popular in men’s magazines and go on to have her inebriated exploits broadcast to the world on a “reality” show. I’m jussayin…
About Tshaka Armstrong
@DShepherds Fantastic. I just linked to it on my weekly round up of posts.
RT @DShepherds: #Sexualizing ur daughters through celeb role models – the next Raising Media Savvy Girls post is up: http://tinyurl.com/ …
Very good advice that I will keep in mind in the years to come. Thanks!
You’re welcome Vince. Thanks for stopping by!
Good post – with 4 daughters these issues are wildy top of mind for me. As we see some of our 8 yr olds disney favs live Hannah and the girls from HSM get older and cross over to grownup media, we really have to monitor what content our daughter is seeing.
Definitely have to do that! It’s sad that the whole transition is often so “in your face.” Thanks for reading and interacting with us here. We appreciate your contribution.
Sometimes this world is so surreal, I can barely stomach what is happening… then I remember that through ‘pressure’ coal turns into a diamond and this celeb sexualization is just that… ‘pressure’ to help inspire us toward a more empowering view on sexuality for our precious children, and ourselves.
I’m a Family and Relationship Expert, very open about sexuality and what true feminine empowerment is to me. I clearly tell the teenage girls I speak to and the college interns who work with me… that they are not a piece of meat, they are a piece of Art. The media is fear based. If you are afraid, you will buy their creams, clothes, music etc. If you are empowered from the inside out, sales decline. So see the media for what it is, emptiness seeking validation from the outside in, making you doubt your worth so you’ll buy something. Not EVIL, just a business.
Self esteem, true feminine power, radiance that comes from our core creativity… this is all source from the inside out. Literally have your daughter start to fall in love with herself. Write on her mirror in fabulous glitter lipstick that I Am A Glorious Radiant Kick Butt Goddess Who Is A Gift To the Planet Exactly As I Am As I Joyfully Lives My Dreams with Ease and Flow! Invite her, as you are each painting each other’s toe nails to tell you 10 reasons why she is enough. Make sure you hook her up with a trusted cool aunt/friend/alley to talk to her about things she may be too nervous to ask you about. Remind her that when she believes she’s not as good as another girl, she drains her power, becomes needy and boys who aren’t conscious, could manipulate her. Yet tell her when she sees her self as fabulous, and her sister friends as fabulous, she’s full, she keeps and grows her energy and radiance and she attracts boys that honor and respect her.
We all know what we focus on expands, so shift away from the media that dishonors her and toward conversations and practices that remind her she’s a piece of art, and when she chooses to become sexual, that she is a Divine Sacred Temple to be adored, honored, cherished and valued… yet ONLY if she first values herself.
Deliciously and sincerely yours, Allana Pratt, On Air Personality, Author, Speaker, Coach
Preach sista Allana! Thank you for your passionate response to this post and thank you for taking the time to teach young ladies that they are masterpieces…each and every one.
As I sit here reading this finally after a long day and having just returned from seeing my daughters Jr High Volleyball games with 100 girls, I can see where they get there idols. The shorts I saw and the makeup and the jewelry… I am not a prude dad, well I guess i am when it comes to my daughter, but what I saw was completely unnecessary as it relates to how a 6th grade girl is presenting herself. I have had to reigned my daughter in a few times before she left the house but what I saw there tells me why. She is trying to keep up with the Jones’.
Then I see what is on television in some of the movies and the examples that are set there. Brit Brit is the example we all talk about bu the script was written I suppose but the likes of those in the 60′s during the sexual revolution and the free to be you and me type rules that were being set. Madonna was the crazy sexy role model in my day and I suppose we see the next generations following the next with a one up style of how far can we go.
Thanks for this post, I think we have to try to speak in terms of truthfulness, frankness, and whatever ness we can find in the crazy world of parenting. I for one will have my daughter read this post and my comment here to let her know that it may not juts be Daddy that has this thought that we might want to be 10 years old and maybe not 25.
Yeah, I think it sometimes helps for our daughters to hear the same things we’ve been saying to them, but from other sources. Other women, other men and even some of their “wise beyond their years” peers. My daughter used to complain about how strict I am until her older “sister”/friend told her, “What are complaining about. He loves you! It’s better than not having a father at all.” That older sister friend is a young lady in our neighborhood who I kind of adopted because there has been no “daddy” in her life for most of her life. A couple of her friends have actually said the same thing to her.
I grew up in the 50s and 60s and have seen and been part of the early days of the transition that seems to be accelerating wildly. As a single custodial Dad with a 12 year old daughter, what I see today scares me. I’ve had more than once to send her back to change clothes. We talk but I like the idea of making sure she knows I’m not the only concerned Dad. She will read this post tomorrow along with the comments.
Lol. I don’t know a caring father who hasn’t had to send his daughter “back to the drawing board” a morning or two before school. The rule in my house is: I don’t want to see either crack when you leave.
It takes a lot of work to stick to that since my 14 yr old is heavy set up top and buying clothes that keep her “appropriate” can be a challenge but consistency is key. 
Thank you as well for your comments! We appreciate your being here.
Also, this is the second in the series of posts on the topic. You can find the other one here: http://www.digitalshepherds.com/blog/?p=568
It’s hard for women and young girls to live in this world. I can only imagine what it’s like to be the father of one of those precious girls… guarding her… guiding her… holding her little hand. Sounds like you know what you’re doing though. Your daughter is very lucky.
Thank you for that. I’ve made enough mistakes and tried to learn from them. Lol. Oh, and I have an amazing wife who has learned how to lovingly challenge me when I’ve done something stupid.
My daughter is only two so I read this with a mix of wonder gratitude and terror – and denial I’ll have to have these conversations one day. Appreciate the perspective and candor and example of plunging in to have these conversations. Besides these ironclad arguments and appeals to reason and savvy we hope our girls to develop I wonder what else there is for us to do and say and ways to be that give them sure footing and strength and confidence in themselves that these conversations are just validation of what they know at the core – not what they depend on in and of themselves to find their way
Stefan, I think the best thing we can do besides what I’ve outlined here is to live lives of integrity and charity, on purpose, in front of them and love them in a way which communicates their significance. I’ve worked in the entertainment industry for a long time and I can tell you that quite a few people that the public idolizes and looks up to are not people that our children would want to be like of they knew what they were really like. Thank you for joining the discussion!
RT @DShepherds: @PigtailPals Have u checked out the l8est post in r Raising Media Savvy Girls series: Tween Celeb #Sexualization http:// …
RT @DShepherds: @PigtailPals Have u checked out the l8est post in r Raising Media Savvy Girls series: Tween Celeb #Sexualization http:// …
Hey Tshaka,
I want to start by saying I like reading your posts; I really like your open writing style, it’s like I can hear you speaking to me. That’s warm!
About pre-sexualizing children….I was lucky enough to work on a new media project to empower parents of tweens and teens. Perhaps there’s some guidance for your readership here. It was produced by the YWCA, a well respected organization. Seven modules on the subject offer guidance for parents…using animation and that’s a plus.
http://www.ydesfemmesmtl.org/sexualization_en.html#
Check it out.
JC
You’re so right on Tshaka! Your daughter is older, I’m just coming into this whole media tween sexualization…. I’m beginning to see the light.. or I should say the darkness. So amen to all you’ve said in your post. What I’m beginning to realize as I type this is that these conversations, and honesty shouldn’t stop with our daughters.. but they need to continue with our sons too. Because if we want the media to change, it can’t only come from the women. Then we’re looked upon as ‘feminists’ or male haters. We have to do this together, female and male… as a society. Change will be difficult, but it doesn’t mean we should just accept it. Let’s have these honest conversations, and perhaps when our kids are older they’ll make smarter and better decisions than the current adults. Thank you for your post.. and sharing your experience for us who are trailing right behind.
Thank you for chiming in Monica. We definitely must teach these same things to our sons. I’m finding that they aren’t as receptive quite as young as my daughter was. My youngest is still in that “girls are icky… kind of” stage, though he’ll brag to his brother about girls liking him. And my oldest son really isn’t comfortable yet talking about girls though we’ve had conversations. It’s been a very interesting process with the boys.
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate it.
That is interesting.. you’ll have to keep us updated on the boys side of things. Do you think it’s because it’s coming from the same sex parent? Has K. (your wife) tried broaching the subject with them? Sometimes it comes better from the opposite side? Just wondering.