As I flit around from site to site, read my daily list of blogs, check in with my tribe/peeps/folks at the forums/FB groups I frequent I’ve noticed something…the kids seem to have taken over! I’m serious. Children. Are. Parenting. Yeah, grammatically incorrect, but the way it read in your head is exactly the way I wanted it said/heard – though in my head that statement sounds more like, “Children are parenting?” Yes, children are running the roost and from the frustrated cries of many a manic mom or frustrated father, that would seem to be the case in many a home. Thus the title of this blog post, “Parent is a verb.” It isn’t what we are, per se, but what we do…or don’t do that defines us. Parenting should be active, not passive or re-active. That said, this isn’t a perfect world and we’ve all been re-active at times and you may feel yourself in a more re-active stance as technology has taken over your home. Fear not my friends, I’ve got some simple things you can do to begin to take back some control of your home if your children are tweens, or establish healthy boundaries early on if yours are a little younger.

One of the things I love most about parenting is that it is never too late to grow as an individual, or learn something new early on, which makes you a better mom or dad. Since much of what we do here at Digital Shepherds is centered around technology and family life, we’re going to focus our pointers on, well, technology and family life. Here goes…

Disclaimer: If you’re going to put anything I post after this point into practice, it absolutely WILL NOT work if you are not consistent in utilizing it and firm in its implementation.

“I’m sorry…” It’s A Start

You’re frustrated and feel somewhat powerless to change a situation (ie, your kids play too much video games and you’re realizing it isn’t healthy). THAT’S OK! Let me say that again. That’s ok! It really is. We get 12 years of mandatory (technically) schooling on a great many things and parenting and relationships aren’t covered. So, it’s ok if you change tactics mid-stream. Just realize that it may not be so “ok” with your little ones and that’s ok as well. Ok? When I’ve had to do that, change it up mid-stream, I’ve apologized to my children and let them know that just like this is their first time being children and they’re kind of figuring some things out as they go along, this is my first time parenting and there are some things I’m figuring out as I go along. I apologize and then we move forward from there. Humbling yourself to your children does two things:

1. It let’s them know that mommy or daddy isn’t perfect and actually makes you a little more approachable when they face tough situations themselves.

2. It will remove some of the sting of the change you’re about to implement as you’ve just admitted you were mistaken. It may not look like it from their reactions to the change(s), but try changing it up mid-stream without any explanation and see what kind of response you get.

Get Them Involved In the Changes

You may have already made up your mind about the behaviors you’re seeing in your children and how you want to handle them, but it never hurts to sit them down and explain to them the root issue (ie, too many video games), the effects of the issue (slipping grades or neglected/incomplete chores) and then ask them what they think you can all do to change what’s been going on. Let them come up with some plans and you may even implement their plans first for a given amount of time. Let’s say, four weeks. But you let them know up front that if things don’t change (ie, grades come up) by the end of that four week period that you’re going to have to implement your changes. This also does a couple things:

1. It gets them involved in the problem and gets them trained to consider family/personal problems and how to effectively correct them.

2. It also helps remove some of the sting of the changes you’re about to implement. In most cases, and in all honesty, they probably won’t implement the changes which actually delay their own gratification and effect the change you’re wanting to see. I’m going to sound like a broken record here, but that’s ok. Giving them enough space to make their own mistakes makes for teachable moments you can use to mentor them on the concepts of delayed gratification and responsibility.

Lay Down the Law

With the prep work out of the way, here are some simple rules implemented in my own home that have been effective in maintaining the status quo. I’ve come to some of these through trial and error so don’t think I was born with good ideas. It took some bad ideas, or not so effective ideas to get to these ones.

1. If video games are the problem, no video games (in any form -console, portable, computer) Monday through Thursday. How much time they’re allowed to play Friday through Sunday is up to you, but limiting games to those three days ensures that children won’t rush through homework and chores to get to their Xbox, PS3, Wii, et al. I do make allowances for learning games on the computer. My sons have a chess game they like to play, which is allowed.
2. If cell phones/text messaging is the problem, then they have to give up the phone when they get home from school. Set a time after they get home when they are allowed use their device again. This does the same thing as removing the video games from play during the week….it removes the incentive to rush through responsibilities to get to “play time.” It removes the distraction.
3. If you children find themselves doing  A LOT of homework, consider adding a DVR to your television arsenal. This way, their favorite shows can be recorded and, again, you’ve removed the distraction to doing a thorough job on the task at hand. It’s also good to know that a great many shows can now be watched online so if a show is missed, your little ones can often go to a website to view their favorite programming.

I hope you see a pattern forming here? The idea is to come up with creative ways to remove the distraction so that the item(s) you need your children to focus on receive the full attention they’re due. Your turn. What are the tactics you use to keep your children on the right path?